I pondered the mask I wore for a long time. I couldn’t remember ever “putting the mask on”. It was just always there. It was never a conscious choice to hide who I really was. It was just a reaction to being smart enough to know what’s expected of me and knowing that I couldn’t produce it the way everyone around me wanted it. I can’t explain to you what it feels like to take off a mask you never knew you were wearing in your thirties. I can’t fully explain what it feels like to realize that you never let yourself just be you out of fear.

You may wonder why I went through with the adult ASD evaluation. Deep down in my soul, I knew that I was autistic and I was already coming to terms with that (and would be doing that with man evaluation scheduled or not).

The path I now found myself on had spun my world into disarray, but NOT for the reasons you may think. Everything I was learning about autism was new and I was surprised about how much I didn't know about different presentations of autism. I was sad there was such a large and diverse community of people I knew nothing about and I was sad because my son was one of them. A severely misunderstood community of people, just like my son.